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SUSPENSION
Shikha
Tiwari
My mind was
clouded and my eyes tired and heavy. I was sick and tired of
believing in people, in the faith I have had on lives and in
life in general. It seemed like a big fool to believe in the
general goodness in the world.
I wasn't aware of the
vague ways and means that life creates. May be it was true that
I had wanted to meet him sometime again in life, but certainly
not like this. We stood in front of the ICU waiting for the
doctor who had gone inside to attend to one of our friends. He
was badly injured on the head in a road accident and was brain
dead right since the moment. God alone knows where did I get all
that courage and I walked upto the doctor and asked, "How
is he?"
He answered, "See I have already
told you, there are no chances of his survival and even if he
does he wouldn't be upto himself so its better he rather not
survive. He would always be on the bed in the same way as he is
now. His brain stem is crushed and all his vital control centers
are dead now. He is alive because of the ventilator, the moment
we remove that he wouldn't survive more than two minute you will
realize how precious two minutes can be!"
It
seemed so easy for the doctor to keep telling me all those
horrible details of our friend's existence and I wondered how
will I go back from here and narrate the same thing to my
friends and they then to his family.
So I am telling
you to be mentally prepared for anything any moment"
He
was telling the truth but it ripped me apart. I came out of the
ICU and my eyes wandered and settled on the man I had loved
sometime back. Or do I still love him, I don't know. I think the
heart behaves in the weirdest of ways possible on earth. Even in
this moment of crisis, all memories flashed before my eyes and I
walked upto him to tell what had happened. But couldn't, I
stopped in between and went and sat on one of the chairs. Of all
the people who stood there, there was a very strange feeling
that I felt for him. I got very confused vibes from him. At one
moment it seemed as if he wanted to reach out to me but the
other he hesitated. My eyes constantly searched for him for I
knew I was breaking and in this moment I could only look towards
only this one man. Who knew whether this was love or the remains
of it?
I still felt for him but certainly not the same
way. He wasn't the same person he used to be and nor was I the
same. We had grown with time and moved away or moved beyond, but
the hearts were much the same. One could relive that sensation
once again. And the sensation was so strong that it made one
doubt again today. For the slightest of things I would turn to
him and then turn away. I don't know why? And do we need to know
the why's and how's every time?
I told Asmita, "Ask
him what did the anesthetists tell them?" Did I want to
know what did the doctor say or I just want him to walk up to me
for once? For I knew what the doctor would have say; clouds and
clouds everywhere.
To my disappointment, Asmita told, "Yeah
we will just ask Raghav." And in my mind was not Raghav but
Ajay and probably she knew that. She always knew everything I
said or I thought, even before I said it. I wondered if she
actually did. Is it possible that one can know everything? It
was not may be so much about knowing but about relating to one
another. It was always about an attempt to bridge that space
between two people. No two people can ever be very close. There
is always that space between two." Space". Huh'. The
most abstract terms which ever existed. It was all about space,
which had taken the two of us apart some two three years, back.
I had understood his concept of space at that point of time but
failed to get convinced about it a little later. Does caring a
little too much means encroaching upon someone's space? What was
space between two people all about? Was it something, which
existed between two people? Was it a healthy concept at all? And
was it so important for some space to always be there between
us? I fretted and fumed but didn't get an answer about all these
questions until I asked Asmita again, " What is "space"
between two people and when does it become a problem so to say?
Does it widen or lessen by time or is it consistent?"
She
answered, " Space is always there and it remains the same.
But if space is considered to be a problem then it is not
actually space but the I which is the problem"
I
wondered if it was ever about space or was it always about
convenience. But what I knew with conviction and surety within
myself is that I had lost my respect for an individual though he
said he still respected me. I don't know that what was respect
all about now. Does respecting someone means to be able to bow
down to someone or to accept all opinions and judgements? Does
respect means to be able to answer in fear? Do we respect people
elder to us or what? I believe respecting someone only means to
be able to relate to what the person is saying and respond
without being judgmental.
It seemed so simple. But
only now.
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MY
IMPRESSIONS
Shikha Tiwari
I
don't know what makes me begin writing today but it seems there
is something on my mind or may be too many things, I am not
sure. I have stared getting the feeling that I want to go out
and meet as many people as I can and be with them for as much
time as possible for I really don't know what's in store for me.
I might be the very same as what I am today but it might take a
few months to get everything back to normal. May be may be not.
Yesterday I met my doctor and got to know something really
horrible. I needed a major surgery. When I checked with him the
cost, it sounded enormous and I wasn't sure if I could tell my
parents about it. It seemed it wasn't about the money but it was
about my going and saying it to them. In fact how could I inform
my parents that their daughter needs surgery - I know what it
means even when one's child picks up fever though I have never
been a mom. Here there was a major risk. I somehow couldn't let
my parents go through such pain. But do I have a choice? If I
don't I keep suffering, obviously something I don't want. But it
is certainly a grave situation.
It seems a lot of my
relationships have changed once I told them that I need to
undergo a surgery. Are they pitying me? Some are shouting at me
and some can't talk to me the same way. Some are just pampering
me a little too much and I know they are not sure if I will
sustain. Or may be they are feeling why should I go through
something like this. I don't know but there is a difference in
the way they are looking at me too.
It was just the
right moment for me; I desperately needed a break and I found my
brother online.
Ash: Hi! U In office?
Bhaiya:
yups...something important came up...
Ash: So, Sunday
gone.
Bhaiya: How r u? I mean your health! You feeling
fine, right.
Ash: yeah doing great...
Ash:
yeah I m absolutely fine now and am joining office tomorrow
Bhaiya:great...
Bhaiya:
u must have had a tough time...cos of that idiotic troubles..
Ash:
(02:06:17 PM): yeah..met my doc yesterday; a surgery seems
imminent to him. So I guess after that itshould be fine for ever
Bhaiya:
(02:11:43 PM): so, the problem is that acute...
Ash:
(02:13:08 PM): yeah kind of, I am also thinking about it. I have
to see the money bit also. don't mention it to anyone !
Ash:
I went alone for this
Ash: mom and dad don't know
Bhaiya:
oh...what's this??
Bhaiya: c'mon, u shouldn't be doing
anything like that. don't try all this at this stage. You are
still a kid.
Ash: (02:16:49 PM): yes I will. but I m
yet to consult the doc at escorts. I have to have a second
opinion
Bhaiya: oops... when did u grow that much..i
couldn't have done anything like that...
Bhaiya: where
will u get this one.
Ash: i dont know much abt the
surgery at this point of time
Bhaiya: do not worry
about money...that just comes...leave that tension aside.
Ash:
so u know it now
Bhaiya: yuos...that was a lot to
hear...
Ash: relax we all go through problems someway
or the other. Some of my near and dear ones have to go through
some problem coz of me. So that's their share too. I m worried
about mummy and papa. i know what will they think. mom will at
least be bothered about my wedding . And its not easy to know
that ur own child would go through such a thing. I will not come
to know anything. I will be under anesthesia but it's the people
who go through much more than just that.
Bhaiya:
(03:49:58 PM): probably, people have said the right thing, god
gives trouble to those who can take it.
Ash: But I have
to. He teaches them how to take it
Ash: Somewhere one
gets that grit. Imagine I keep getting dizzy feelings. And I
have been getting it for quite sometime...but I never knew its
seriousness and was carrying out normally
Bhaiya: It's
so bad to hear, when u call me bhaiya, and I am sitting here
helpless.
While talking to him I started crying that
while I am going through something like this someone will have
to take care of my mom and dad for it would be really difficult
for them. I know they wouldn't be able to take it. And they are
so used to me how will they manage things on their own. It
wouldn't be anything for me. I would be under anesthesia. It is
always more difficult for the people who are there around you.
How can one take it that someone so near and dear has to go
through something like this? He said he would talk to me
everyday around 7 now - I wanted to tell him that he shouldn't
do something so that I feel that there is something drastically
wrong with me. I wondered was it so difficult to get love or was
it always so hidden. Why don't we see it otherwise? Is our
thinking so narrow or people express their feelings only when it
is absolutely urgent for them to come out with it. I guess we
are all like that. Expression is one of the most difficult
things - to express the right thing in the right way at the
right time.
Though this knowledge was still with me
only but somewhere it seemed as if I couldn't relate to people.
I knew I was hiding something from all those around me, but
somehow they never asked me too. They could never go deep into
my eyes, my heart and say that you are missing on something. I
was majorly missing on every moment I could have with my nearest
and dearest - every moment I could laugh. Somehow I felt that
this wasn't something which would stay with me the same way. I
somehow felt that things would change very soon for me. I would
have to make some lifestyle changes as well. I guess so that I
will have to do away with a lot of things. I guess!
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DECEIVING
TEARS
Shikha Tiwari
I
struggled between going back and forth. It was just one of those
moments when I couldn't hold my tears and they oozed out. May be
they weren't used to flow free. Even I couldn't let myself free.
It seemed as if I couldn't do anything, I wasn't doing anything.
It seemed as though I just stood there, somewhere in the vacuum,
in an inaudible, untouchable space. It seemed blank, as if I was
caught in the trap of vulnerability. I sensed hurt, which simply
broke me into pieces on the slightest of provocation. There was
something about myself, which was detached. I couldn't connect
either with myself or with the people around. They could barge
in my territory to say hello, without my eyes, my heart, my
mind, my breath being able to recognize them - seemingly the
closest of people. I wasn't even sure if I was verbalising what
I actually felt or it was something else. I wasn't sure. I
couldn't ask my soul. I wasn't sure if I couldn't ask or I knew
that I would get the answer that I didn't want to face. Did I
know what was going on within me? May be reality was so hard
that I couldn't take it and I could be running away. May be, may
be not!
To be or not to be!
But frankly, I
don't know! Even I would move to the washroom, my tears rolled
for that gave me a moment to be alone. I could feel the heat my
eyes contained.
"You were so proud of the fact
that you never cried. And today you couldn't stop. You can't
control it for long. You have to cry one day. You always thought
you were right and here you are!"
"Yes I
did, because that's the hunch I get. I get those vibes from
people. I somehow just can't connect with you. I knew you were
shying away from me."
"For God sake, just top
believing your vibes. They could be wrong!"
I
wondered if that was true. The truth of my vibes had hurt him to
the core of his existence. And the fact that I had hurt someone
so much was killing. It just tore me apart and tears just didn't
stop. It meant that I sent such disastrous messages just by
being there. It felt as if my closest people were asking me to
redefine my existence. It didn't seem to sink deep within me but
somewhere it just tore me apart and the fluid oozed. I didn't
know if there was any end to this hurt because it was after all,
all about myself-my existence, my attitude, my mindset,
everything. So the only end was my last breath.
While
I was thinking about all this Tina dropped in, "You sounded
disturbed with what seems to be going on in and around you. Yes,
I totally agree with you when you say that when someone very
close, may be as close as your parents grill/prick you on
certain things, things get beyond control. I think 90% of the
people of our generation do undergo such kind of stress and
strain. But at the same time, I see no fault in the behaviour of
the parents. They want to see you happy. And when they see that
their perspective doesn't tally with their children, it surely
ruffles them. This is a generation problem. I am sure that even
their parents would have exerted the same kind of pressures on
them. There is turmoil when you step into or out of a stage. An
infant to a crawler to an adolescent to an adult to an
individual; and this one is the hardest, to the middle age to
the retirement and something, which I call post-retirement. You
see turmoil in all these phases. Life doesn't give too much of a
time to sit and make notes. Learn fast and move on. Each stage
has something or the other for us. Some stages look more
exciting on the face of it, the others in actuality. But each
stage has a romanticism in it's own sense. Ideally, an
individual becomes a 'human' at 70, for he has seen it all, the
highs and the lows. But then, we are all bound in space-time. He
doesn't usually have all that zeal to put his virtues into play.
Sad or otherwise, it's for us to deduce. At the same time, I do
not feel that we are wrong. Each generation has held onto a
stand and we, too, have the history and our whim (you cannot add
anything else, for that closes the chapter) on our side. Nobody
wins and nobody loses. That's the essence. But there is a
tussle. It has been the practice (ritual, if you allow me to go
a bit further) for generations and will be the practice in times
to come. Why it doesn't look too prominent for say our
great-grandparents is maybe because time has moderated the
turmoil of their times. Otherwise, humans have had the same set
of problems. Over time, the 'layers' have made the problems look
'different', but these are the same. The moment you remove these
layers, the problems not only look similar, these are in fact
the same. Give your anxieties and concerns some 'Parle Monaco'
biscuits. The advertisements say that whosoever has Monaco
'feels light'.
"Thanks for your concern but
frankly speaking I was not really upset or disturbed for what is
going around me or within me. And certainly not what you have
talked just now. Yes I was talking all that to you last night
but that's not what really upsets me because I think I'm able to
deal with it, am able to tell my parents my point of view that
they agree. In fact I can say that I' m happy to have such
parents for I think it's all about communicating. They don't
tell me that we know best which is one statement I hate. None
can know best about the other person's situation...never! What
actually upsets me is that there are still quite a few women who
would not fight it, or just keep fretting and fuming about it.
But that's not the solution. I have gone one step further with
my parents and they have come five towards me. That's not a
problem' the problem is that there are so many of those women
who have to got through that rut coz they are "supposed"
to...and when it comes to women I cant separate myself from the
others. I feel we all go through the same. I can fight it but
they cant...and somehow I don't want to be at peace with this
issue until and unless this issue is actually non existent. For
if I 'm at peace I will no longer fight it and I don't want to
be just talking and blabbing about it. I want to actually bring
those changes in my life and my relationships. I don't want my
individuality to die just coz I' m a woman and frankly I don't
deserve to be at peace if what is under attack is my essence of
being a woman so that's what bothers me I know that might not be
good for my health but if I don't at least think and bring those
little attitudinal changes in my life, then I would die of
guilt. And I have to die one day so why not die of something
which at least satisfies me that yes this birth has been
successful"
Tina sounded convinced or may be
confused! She looked dazed, may be she knew that this is not
what is actually bothering me or may be it was some strange
monologue.
Whatever Tina might be feeling I m still
wondering why couldn't I stop my tears?
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MY
DEAREST FRIEND
Shikha Tiwari
"I
have called up to say that I have missed you all this while and
don't do something like this again that I have to miss you when
you are right there"
"Ya'! Thanks"
"Hmmm.
love you"
Me too' ! thanks"
And it
relieved me. Because I knew we were able to connect once again.
It was just maybe a week that things were haywire between the
two of us but it felt ages. I don't know why was I so insistent
that he should understand me. I don't know why was I expecting
that from him. I never lay myself open in front of anybody but I
wanted this guy to understand me. I would have never wanted
someone to do that for me; in fact I never expected the same
from the closest of my people. It was fine by me if people could
not understand me, for I knew my real self was buried down
under.
But today it only mattered because here was a
wonderful friend whom I didn't want to lose. But we would have
gone distant, if he kept thinking what he did today about me.
What he knew as was exactly the opposite of what I actually was.
He found me rude, aggressive, impolite and insensitive. It felt
as if it was the last thing I could hear from him and that too
him.
May be I just thought that I was the opposite of
what he was thinking me to be. It was quite possible that I was
what he thought me to be for he was my closest pal and I could
not connect to him very well. That's why I guess we say that
life's very confusing. There is not one thing for which we can
say that yes it is simple, transparent, lucid. But may be we
just give it too much importance to things which really aren't
so. If we just extend the clock by a year, we would see that we
have been bothered about things, which were actually very
trivial. And we realize we have just been fretting and fuming
about the small stuff, as Richard Carlson says in his book "Don't
Sweat The Small Stuff And Its All About Small Stuff"
But
today when he probed me, it actually started a thinking process
in my mind and I began thinking what made me into the person I
really was? And for that matter did I actually know what was I
in the real sense of the word.
I went deep into this
thought and I realised that I was far far away from my real
self. It had been long that I had connected with my real self.
My identity was buried somewhere down within and it seemed I had
created a shell around myself which had just protected me all
this while with all kind of hurt, fear and frustration which was
coming my way. And it had begun to come so early in my life that
I really didn't have much clue when did I start creating a
image, a shell. It was a defense mechanism and in the process I
had hardened up and become very very aggressive. My aggression
always helped me keep people at bay but I hadn't thought that it
would keep at a distance even those who would try coming close
to me.
And today it mattered because I would probably
lose a good friend in that process, something which I couldn't
afford. I don't know this friend was certainly something special
to me. I probably hadn't been so insecure about anybody till now
but it did bother me now.
I just wondered that what
could some sad incidents, which happen to a woman early in life,
could do.
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DRY
EYES
Shikha Tiwari
I
wish I could cry but tears failed to help. I closed my eyes and
my lips strained; I could feel it within myself. My soul cried
but not a single tear oozed out. And I sat there with a heavy
heart. We just drove to every nook and corner of the city but it
was directionless. We weren't searching for anything - well, may
be just for a little peace. And we wondered if we would find it
at last. The world couldn't have been more deserted a place to
live, where no flowers bloomed and no water springs flowed,
where no body smiled and no eyes' glittered.
"What
a life to live" I thought to myself. It seemed like a
failure, and there was a deadlock in my mind, in my life.
Behold, it comes in might,
The power that is not power,
The
light that is in darkness,
The shade in dazzling light.
It
is joy that never spoke,
And grief unfelt, profound,
Immortal
life unlived,
Eternal death unmourned.
It is not joy nor
sorrow,
But that which is between,
It is not night nor
morrow,
But that which joins them in.
Swami
Viveknand
That moment when he placed his arms on my
back and took me within him flashed before my eyes time and
again. I felt, if someone could just clasp me hard and collect
my tears for they were precious. I didn't want to part with my
tears and so I did not cry. I just wanted to be there and stare
beyond the routine, mundane and the obvious. Could I hug him ...
no I could never do that. May be I wasn't sure how would he
react. I didn't know what was he thinking about me. Would he
like to hug me, is he feeling the same for me as I am feeling?
He has given me so much but have I given him anything in these
moments? Can I quantify it and is it comparable? Can I weigh it,
can I measure it by any means?
He had always been the
best of friends and what I had given him was the immense turmoil
from the fact that I was physically abused for 7 continuos years
and I couldn't do anything. How ironical can life be? I found in
him the best of pals I have ever had and wanted the best of
things to happen to him. And here I had given him the worst
while he taught me how to laugh, laugh at life, laugh in life.
"But,
but. …but…",
Cutting through his words
I said, " It's like you rape a woman and say that you are
probably taking it a little too far"
"But
Anjalika was it really like that?"
"Well, I
never got myself medically examined"
Without
knowing what to say, and what to do and where to escape I looked
up at him hoping a tear shall fall out but alas it didn't. And
he embraced me.
"I am sorry, you were saying
something Tushar"
"No, it's fine, I got my
answer"
Now there was nothing about me, which he
didn't know. I didn't know if I could stand there the same way
as I did in his friendship? Was I the same person or had I
changed? May be I didn't. I knew he could accept me but I wasn't
sure if he had begun to think differently now? I had no clue. He
just drove saying something and I tried to get my answers.
But
I just sat there with a heavy heart, trying to solve the puzzle,
if there was any. May be life itself was a puzzle, may be ….may
be not…
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BUSINESS
OPPORTUNITY
Shikha Tiwari
It
seemed to me like a marketing exercise - each one trying to sell
well: a cut-throat competition to prove that my product is
better. It was a coldly calculated schematic design.
On
a sunny Sunday morning when the sun dawned upon us with
different pathways to follow - suddenly the phone rang and it
sounded jarring to my ears. The scorching rays falling on my
eyes blinded me and I said "Hello"
"
Hmmm…Yah actually I wanted to talk regarding a matrimonial
proposal advertised in TOI…dated…."
I
was speechless and dumbfounded and managed to get some words out
my dry throat, " Kindly hold on"
I gave the
phone to my father without meeting his eyes, "There is a
call for you!"
And then there was no end to it, "
My daughter is 5'3", 55 kgs. She is well educated and is
born and brought up in Delhi all through… She works with an
established MNC for the past 4 years and is well liked by her
boss and her colleagues. And not only this she is also very good
at the household chores. She can even manage the whole house
alone…" and blah blah blah… it went.
It
seemed to me as if I was a product on sale and everything good
was kind of being talked about me like those vendors for door to
door marketing who would sell Lehar kurkure also as if it was a
diamond. They would love to add so much value to it. It felt
something like that. It seemed as if only the exterior belonged
to me which hardly completed me, as I understood or would like
people to understand me. And it depended upon how well the
exterior appealed that the customer would buy me. Or in fact how
well they could be fooled into the whole deal.
If I
were to say that here is my daughter and I am proud of every bit
that she is, I guess there would be no takers for my daughter.
It gave me such a creepy feeling that it was one
moment I hated myself for being a woman. For it seemed after all
I exist only as a part of a man. I wondered if I was someone
beyond all that description and does it matter at all in long
run. People do say that after all "It is not to find the
right person but to be the right person - that is what marriage
is all about". But will someone understand the person I AM.
Anyway
as I was thinking about all this for days at length when I got
to know that things had moved a little further and they wanted
to meet the prospective bride. And once they met me it seems
that they couldn't think. They almost turned stone. They didn't
ask me much about me. I had no clue what was happening and was
absolutely dumbfounded. They just talked about all the general
things in life and went away. A week or ten days later they
called up and told my mom that they were kind of a little
hesitant because the girl wears spectacles.
I had to
tell them that yes I needed specs to see objects but not
people's hearts but they can't see anything though your vision
is better than mine. It doesn't take vision but heart and
feeling to live in this world and to live gracefully
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THE
TWISTED HAND OF FATE
Shikha Tiwari
I
was lost in the glory of sleep and hoped if I would never have
to wake up and face the darkness on earth. I wish there were no
end to keeping my eyes closed to the doors leading to all that
horrible knowledge. For if I could chose not to open my eyes to
all the darkness in the world. But I know I was choosing or
demanding a little too much. Just when I slowly opened my eyes
to the morning sun, the sunrays bombarded me with hundreds and
thousands of those queries where I tried to make sense of what
life had to offer me. And I had loads of those unanswered
questions, which I wanted to ask - but at all times it told me
that they lay within me - myself. I kept wondering and asked
again and again but in vain. It seemed as if life was choosing
all kinds of strange ways of fate to test me, which just left me
pondering each time, and there wasn't much I could do rather
than just face it for after all it was my choice.
Seemingly
my immense love for him giving me unsettled days and sleepless
nights. It stopped me from moving ahead and moving beyond
myself. For that's not what any relationship should do - but
here I felt as if he wouldn't let me go and he wouldn't hold me
too. I loved him undoubtedly - his love had made me grow
immensely; helped me get past many personal barriers. He took my
hand, gave me a smile, and helped me realize my own worth. With
him the daily frustrations and petty demands of life seemed less
important, and the small daily blessings so much more
meaningful. His love made me aim higher for my dreams, because
it has showed me that great things are possible.
And
I cherished his love. But fate or destiny wanted me to choose a
different path. For somehow we couldn't tread the same path
together. And it feels howsoever dearly one may want it but
something's are not for us. And that was the feeling I was
getting now - we can't be together.
For if I chose to
be with him I chose to do away with the ideologies I have always
lived and wanted to live. by. And I will have to lose all that I
had earned the hard way in all these years; and somehow I wasn't
ready for that. My individuality and my space were important for
me and I can't let that go. In the masculine world it has been
difficult for me to form my own image, my own thinking based on
my own experiences and stick by them. Each time one gets into a
crisis the only way the male world can give you is their shelter
and be their slave.
It was a tough choice for me
either I can chose my love or I can chose my substance. I
couldn't decide for but I knew it was important to be myself for
I struggled all my life to become the person I am and I couldn't
let that go so easily. It was kind of gradually becoming sure in
my mind that if I have to live my life with someone it has to be
with a person who has to accept me for what I am. It was
impossible for me to fit into that traditional role of a wife. I
mean its okay if I will also play that role and do those chores
but I can never do that because that's what I am supposed to be
doing. And this was the choice, which lay before me. If I chose
to be with the man I love, it would mean that okay if I have to
die after 40 years why not die today. And I knew life couldn't
be so hard with me. and I had no other way but to let my love go
for it couldn't accommodate my real self.
So I stood
there waiting at the crossroads for the man of life who would be
able to accommodate me the way I am.
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CAN
I CRY?
Shikha Tiwari
Alone
in a wheel of light at the dining room table, surrounded by an
otherwise darkened house, she sat in tears. Tears rolled down
her cheeks and her vision blurred and it seemed she could
actually not make sense of life. It was a day when she had hurt
the person she deeply loved and she could not forgive herself.
People try their hard to make their love ones happy and here,
she had hurt, disrespected the person she loved due to her own
failings. Thought nothing is infallible but love, trust once
lost is difficult to regain. And so she was feeling lost. Life's
like a wheel and its spokes are the events of life - if one side
goes up the other side is bound to come down. But today it
seemed there wasn't anything left in her life. There couldn't
have been a worse moment that GOD could have asked her to live,
if its he who asks or rules our lives. And if it is her, she
meant if we, ourselves who rule ourselves then none could be so
unfortunate to have lost everything one had in life from one's
own deeds like sand eases out from a closed fist. Nothing was
going right. Most often than not when everything seems to go
wrong, one can cling on to one's faith within oneself. But today
it seemed that she had lost that faith in herself too. She felt
so disconnected with herself that she felt dumb. She could not
connect or hear her inner self.
BThe man in Sushmita's
life was angry with her. Not only angry she seemed to have
shaken his faith. After my asking her repeatedly for long, she
told me that she felt that he didn't believe her any longer. For
he thought that she had enough to engage herself during his
absence and she never missed him the same way. According to him
while he was away to Bangalore on his last tour, he had chatted
with his Sushmita with a different user ID. And it seemed to him
that she responded to the sexual overtures provided by this man
in fact she added to it rather then asking him to shut up. He
felt upset that if in his absence she would fall for any guy,
then she is not safe. He felt bad that he could not provide her
with much care and support and she got so vulnerable that she
would start responding to anyone. He got back to Delhi with a
broken heart. She still said that he was important to him - he
hated this kind of dishonesty and duplicity.
"Don't
fool me! if you have someone in life I would respect that and
try and accept it but then it should not be just anyone."
"
I am extremely sorry to have hurt you honey but it was just that
urge for a moment"
"Fair enough so why don't
you go and sleep with someone to satisfy your needs. Look I love
you and love you a lot and am feeling extremely bad that I left
you so vulnerable but then you have shaken my faith. And then
when you tell me that I am important I feel extremely upset
because you are lying to me and that's the last thing you could
do to me."
"It's not like that honey. How do
I explain you that? Please believe me you are the only one in my
life and none else."
" I do believe you but I
just want to tell you whatever may come and go in our life but I
am always there for you and I will not let anyone just anyone
take control of life."
"Love you"
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KASAK
Shikha
Tiwari
It was
the beginning of the social life of a fine, intelligent,
sensible girl, Kasak who was at a marriageable age. She was a
sensitive and mature person; strength of pillar for her family:
they looked up to her at any point of crisis. But now was a
moment in her life that she was looking for some kind of support
to fall back upon, a shoulder to cry on and someone to cry her
heart out. Her family was so dependent on her strength that it
wasn't even right for her to cry in front of them. She could be
herself only in the darkness of the day, away for the light so
that none can see the vulnerable "HER". There was
certainly a time in her life when she felt she did not need any
support especially from a man for she could never look up to man
and she would like to respect the person she is standing with
whosoever it is.
But now things were fairly different.
She was tired of taking the whole burden all alone. Though she
had always hated to be weak but now she wanted to be weak. She
wanted to jut lie down on bed with nothing to think on, nothing
to bother upon. She dreamt of a day when there would be someone
to bother about her. And thinking of a support form a man was
the last option she would have ever thought of. But today she
was thinking of it may be because she was feeling extremely
vulnerable. At the same time, the choice of falling back on
someone, specially a man was turning out to be the most
problematic decision she ever took in life. She wanted a person
who could match her grit, courage, determination and
sensitivity, somebody whom she could respect for his metal. She
wanted someone who could understand her and fill that vacuum she
was facing at present in life. Whenever she thought of a guy who
would fill that space she got a vague, unsettled, uncertain kind
of a feeling. For whenever she came across guys of marriageable
age their only requirement or so to day the prime requirement
was a girl who was beautiful and smart, mind you not smart at
mind. She wasn't aware as to how to react at such an
information, what to think and what to feel. There was such a
major gap in the inclination of the thought processes or the
ideas itself of what she wanted her man to be and what they
expected of women. She was so upset to know that beauty and that
radiance of women was still so important that more often than
not the guy could not afford to get marry to a girl who was
everything but beautiful.
Kasak was sensitive and
sensible enough to understand the basic underlying difference.
Women are still something which are just meant to please. She
hated to be liked by a man because she was beautiful for she
felt she had done enough in her life for which she wanted her
man to appreciate her metal. She wanted to marry a man whom she
could respect but alas she wasn't able to find a single one till
now. She had happened to like quite a few of them but not
respect them. Her idea of success had become a problem for her.
She couldn't be liked for what she liked in herself. And it
seemed that she would have to rediscover herself - an attempt to
readjust to the present. She was in a fix that what did the
world want out of her so that she could live a so called happy
life.
DECREE
Let water flow its way,
Let it be divine proclamation-
ered rock on the shore.
Let time make its way,
Let it be a mystical drive-
Frustrated desires 'n end of the century.
Let wind
flow its speed,
Let wisdom come to human kind-
To
'change' or not to 'change'.
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SUNRAYS
Shikha Tiwari
It
was a fine sunny morning but it did not continue for long.
Nothing lasts forever and so did not this bright sunny morning.
As I stared out of the window into the sunbeams bringing in
light in my room and hoped it would enter my heart as well. Soon
after my maid entered my room with a cup of coffee and sat
beside my bed on the floor. She seemed upset and just wanted to
be there with me in a silent room, where we both hoped that the
sunlight would someday fill our lives. I did not have the
courage to ask her what was wrong because her face told me
everything. How often does it not seem that the best
communication is the silent one?
I very well
understood that her father beat her once again. But today there
seemed to be something more to her everyday sorrow. It seemed
that there was nothing left in life now for her. Though she sat
just near the sunrays coming to the room, she was so convinced
that it could never brighten up the day. She told me that she
had come over to my room with a special purpose today. And
before she could say tears rolled over her cheeks like dewdrops.
I did not have the courage to ask her what happened or I did not
want to ask. She sobbed and sobbed because she was tired of it
but she was convinced that this is her lot. And may be I did not
have the courage to tell her once again that things will be fine
for may be things are never going to fine for her. So why tell
her that. But still I was extremely curious to know what was it
his time. Or in fact what more? Its nothing new that things
haven't been fine for her but what is it this time.
She
told me that her father beat her up last night. The reason being
that she had found a friend with whom she can share her mind,
cry her heart out, with whom she can share the walks and with
whom she can feel the free air and smell the blooming flowers
and dewy grass. Theirs was a family of three sisters and a
brother and by all gods' grace the son was the youngest one. And
they actually had those three daughters just for the desire of a
son. And now when she was involved with another male, it meant
all the disaster in the world. The kind of discrimination it
involved can not be put here for it was involved in every stage
of life and every moment of her living. It seemed that breathed
in air, which was first inhaled by her brother and then came to
her.
I told her parents very clearly that if you think
your daughter has hooked on to a wrong person, before beating or
constantly hitting your daughter you need to think of the kind
of upbringing and the ethical codes you have given her to grow
up with. And today they wanted that she should come up to me to
ask for some extra money to celebrate diwali. At the first
instance I decided to give but then I had second thoughts and
wanted them to celebrate Diwali in their capacity. There isn't
any point to celebrate a festival if one can't do it out of
one's own happiness. I didn't say anything and said that fine I
will give some later.
She started to sob and plead.
She requested me that I shouldn't give her money because she
said that her mother was actually upset and wanted more money
because the amount she has saved would not be enough to cater to
his wishes and desires of having as much sweet as he can. And
then she said that this could be the end to her life. And she
actually wanted to end her life there and then. But she decided
otherwise. She started to earn for herself with the art of
stitching that she knew of and she married that guy and stepped
right out of her family on that Diwali day itself. |
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A
Sea Change
This
is the story of a girl who had begun to believe that there was
not much in life for her at a very early age or in fact one can
say that she had realised life very early. One can say that she
began to understand life ever since she was a young girl but at
the same time she gave a damn to what was happening around her
and what people felt about her as a person. She knew exactly how
to survive, she needs to get good education, earn well enough to
sustain a living and probably a good house and that's about it.
Life did not mean more than fulfilling these basic requirements.
It seemed as if she never looked for anything else in life. As
if the cool breeze, the soft human touch, that buzzing bee, the
sweet smell of the blooming flowers could not touch her. She was
far far beyond all these things or may be these things never
came near her. At the same time, she never came across as a very
hardhearted person or insensitive person. Her life had given her
enough chances to realize and let it sink deep within her, that
to sustain peacefully it is so very important to understand
someone else's position, to cover oneself in someone else's fur.
But in this process of giving everyone around her space,
respecting his or her individuality, she had lost sense of her
own space, her own individuality. She was so away from her sense
of self or may be one can say that her sense of self has
accommodated a huge other around it that it seemed to have
everyone but her own inner being.
But now when she
looks back she realises that she lived a very surfacial life,
may be an artificial life, which never touched her, or she could
never touch life. She could understand the hard facts of life
but she could never enjoy; though she felt she always enjoyed
it. She was made out to be like that, she was conditioned like
that. Her childhood was some experience that she didn't know
what it meant to play among the group with other children, she
had always lived that suppressed life without knowing she lived
that. But all these issues had actually made her so confident in
herself. In my and your opinion probably she lived a life which
was so different and so sad but in her opinion she lived a fine
life with confidence, grit and determination. We may think that
she did not get anything in life but then she got all what she
wanted or needed to survive. Time has given her courage,
determination, grit and patience; all that is needed to be
successful. Above all, she knew what she wanted to do and how.
But now after so many years and when she is successful
when she has got what she wanted, she is a totally different
person. She is now lonely, alone lives in a house all by her
self - and she now wants to call the house secluded and
deserted. Because she did not have anyone to share that supposed
success. Even her parent who had drilled this meaning of success
now wanted her to marry because that is what is supposed to
bring some happiness in a woman's life. In her early years they
tried their best to make her so lifeless and mechanical,
drilling and conditioning in her with the idea that this is what
success is all about. All these years they had ruled her mind,
body and soul so perfectly and in that absolute sense that she
could not think otherwise. And the grand finale of living her
life the way she was taught was that today she was so lonely
that she could not even connect with her own self, her own inner
being. And now after so many years when she has all what she had
aspired for she realises that she is not happy and at peace with
herself.
That is because she did not know that all
this is a part of being successful and never aspired towards
this. Now that she is convinced that she needs to be at peace,
convinced with her own self, she can't even realize her self.
She exists in total detachment of her self. As though they are
two different beings.
She is a young girl in her early
30's trying to find her self. |
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Well
this is what life seems to be. She was so very happy in life
that she could not look and ask for more and suddenly she felt
it just slipped out of her hands like sand. It seemed she had to
let go of everything or for that matter it was never hers. It
can be one of the most difficult moments in one's life but then
that's what life is all about. Whenever a sad moment gets across
in our lives, this how we are told to understand the moment and
ourselves. We are expected to grow by each disaster. Each
disaster is a learning experience. How is one supposed to gather
wisdom from a disaster, a trauma? I used to wonder, but no more
so. For today I have realized life is actually like that. I am
already at a stage where I don't know whether to be happy or
not, whether I can laugh or not, or whether it is a moment for
crying or what. I just have no clue how to react at this point
in life.
I was part of a relationship for the past few
years. I never knew what I would get out of this relationship
but then I gave all what I had - every bit of me. Somehow I
always had this feeling that I would never get anything out of
this but we don't get anything form any relationship - its what
we give in each of our relationships. But I guess there is
always a hope…and I lived by that hope….But today that
hope was shattered. The sound of the breaking glasses echoed in
my ears. It felt my dreams and my life were falling apart every
moment.
I loved a guy and he said he loved me too. We
shared a very good rapport with each other. Though we lived far
away but then there was very good communication between us. Some
unsaid things were better understood then the said ones. It was
so very easy to just get to know what the other person was
feeling. There were times when he used to get angry with me but
then I knew it so well that if he was showing his anger on me
what is the actual issue bothering him and we could always reach
a consensus after discussing things and issues and life used to
be bliss again.
And today was a moment when he started
talking to me that he wanted to get married. The first reaction
to this statement was definitely happy but then was it meant for
me or no that was the question. And somehow I had this feeling
within me that it wasn't for me. For that would mean a dream
come true and how can that happen with me how can I get
everything I want in life and I know I can get all in my life.
Life's like that! When it was a moment that I could get
everything in life there was this clash in mind that how could I
get all what I want. And life went on. When I asked him that if
he was mentioning to me about his marriage because he wanted me
to go away form his life. He said that if I wanted that this is
the way I would have asked you to do it. I told him that I know
you will not tell me to go away but you will yourself move away
without giving me any hint. So he said I am not moving away, I
am with you so that means I am not asking you to move away. And
I couldn't do anything and tears filled my eyes.
Years
have passed now and I got too busy with my work and he with his.
And we could not decide whether to get married to someone else
or not and somehow he was convinced that we could not get
married, and I never asked him why because the reason would not
change my life. And I lived by his decision that someday it
would change. But today I have the invitation of his wedding in
my hand. And it does not move - not because it is a non-living
thing but because my life is at a stand still. |
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A
Case Study
You may wonder why I want the world to know
about my personal life. I can answer that very easily. I feel
that it is my duty to make aware other people to the suffering
that some people are inflicting upon others. To these people the
life of a woman is nothing more than a means to make a living.
If
this disclosure of my life story can stop even one girl from
being exploited in the same way that I was then it is worth it.
My
story starts when I came to Kathmandu in search of a job. My
name is Srijana and I am from a small village in the Udayapur
District. My family is very large. I have four brothers and four
sisters. We did not have much money but we were happy. To earn
and to live was the basic principle of our family, we did not
believe in saving money.
I could have stayed at home
and lived in the same way that my parents did but I wanted the
status of our family to rise. In Kathmandu I managed to find a
job in a carpet factory. I was so proud of myself. I was earning
my own living and sending money home to my parents.
After
I had been working in the factory for two years I was offered
another job as a domestic servant to the manager of the carpet
factory. It was during this job that I went to Shyambuand and
met a Tamang boy.
He was very kind towards me and made
me feel special. After we had known each other for only a short
time he told me that he loved me and promised that he would
always take care of me. I had been away from my family for so
long that I had forgotten how it felt to be precious to
somebody.
I thought that he must be the one, the person
that I had been looking for all my life. My heart melted with
the affection he showed me. He asked me to marry him and said
that he lived in Hetuada but had been renting a house in
Kathmandu. He asked me to choose where I wanted to live, either
Kathmandu or Hetauda. I felt like a queen in the boy's heart. I
was so much in love with him that I immediately accepted his
proposal of marriage.
I went with him to meet his
mother and sister in Hetauda. They seemed very friendly and
welcoming and gave me lots of new clothes and jewelry. They did
not give me the 'Sindu', the main ornament of married women. I
thought that this was a little strange but did not dwell on it.
They
told us that we should go to Birganj and get married in a Temple
there. Following their advice we caught a night bus. At the
check post between India and Nepal he went to talk with the
policeman. I could not hear what they were saying and I was too
shy to ask. It was silly, this man was going to be my husband
and yet I did not feel comfortable enough with him to ask him a
few simple questions about our plans.
From the border
we caught a train. I was a bit surprised by this and so I spoke
with him, "Where are we going, " I asked.
"Oh,
sorry," he replied. "I should have told you. We are
just going to Bombay to visit my other sister. We will get
married there."
I was a little surprised and
annoyed that he had not cared to tell me about that, but I did
not say anything else. When we reached Bombay we went to a
hotel. My fiancé told me that he had to go and visit
someone but he would be back soon. I had a bath and something to
eat and then as I was tired from the long journey, I fell
asleep.
At ten o' clock in the night he returned with a
taxi. He woke me up and said that his sister had prepared a
delicious meal for us and was looking forward to meeting me. We
got into the taxi and traveled a short distance to his sister's
house. I was introduced to his so-called sister, who was,
unknown to me at the time, a brothel-keeper. My fiancé
then left, again saying that he would return later. I was given
a very good meal.
I kept staying up the whole of the
night waiting for that man to return, but he did not come. The
next day I asked the woman if she knew where her brother was.
The woman laughed, "You stupid," she said, "That
man is not really my brother. Neither is he really going to
marry you. You have been sold for Rs. 50,000. You are going to
stay here and work for me as a prostitute."
I was
very shocked to hear this. I was also very angry and hurt. I had
been cheated by the false and temporary love of that boy. He had
never really loved me. But I had loved him a lot. I had given my
heart to him and he had sold me to the flesh traders. I had
never in my life felt such strong hatred towards someone. I
really hated that boy for tricking me.
I absolutely
refused to do the work that the brothel-keeper expected me to
do. Whenever she came near me I would scream so loudly and kick
and hit out at her. She was not able to control me, she thought
that I was insane and so I was sold to the next brothel.
Here
I was forced to work. The new brothel-keeper was stronger than
me, and much more evil. I was made to go out and sit on street
corners to attract the men. If I could not collect enough
customers I was beaten or burned with lit cigarettes. I would
struggle and fight but I was always overpowered. They made me
weak by depriving me of food, this is how they had more control
over me.
I was slipping down and down. It is easy to
die once but imagine dying several times in one life. My heart
became hardened to the pain. I could not cope with what I was
going through. I stopped dreaming of the day I would be allowed
home, I resigned myself to the thought that I would be living in
that hell forever. I believe that I even stopped thinking while
I was there to make the pain more bearable.
After one
and a half years I was rescued by Indian Police. They brought me
back to Nepal where I was taken to a rehabilitation center. The
center taught me many vocational skills. I feel indebted to them
for giving me back my life.
I am now back at home
living happily with my family. For them I am just back from
Kathmandu. They do not realize that I am back from hell. When I
remember all those young girls, only thirteen and fourteen years
old, hidden under their beds when the brothel was raided my mind
feels very disturbed.
They too are trapped, like I was.
They are being forced to work against their will and are
suffering the same treatment that I did. Each one of them has
her story to tell. At the moment I do not feel as if I could
ever trust another man enough to marry him and so I have decided
not to get married.
I am content helping my brothers
and sisters with their studies. I have also planned to start a
shop but I think that my main aim will be to alert other girls
in my village to girls trafficking. |
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